Waiting...

A Psalm

of Praise, of David. I will extol You, my God, O King, And I will bless Your name forever and ever. Every day I will bless You, And I will praise Your name forever and ever. Great is the LORD, and highly to be praised, And His greatness is unsearchable. One generation shall praise Your works to another, And shall declare Your mighty acts. On the glorious splendor of Your majesty And on Your wonderful works, I will meditate. Men shall speak of the power of Your awesome acts, And I will tell of Your greatness. They shall eagerly utter the memory of Your abundant goodness And will shout joyfully of Your righteousness. The LORD is gracious and merciful; Slow to anger and great in lovingkindness. The LORD is good to all, And His mercies are over all His works. All Your works shall give thanks to You, O LORD, And Your godly ones shall bless You. They shall speak of the glory of Your kingdom And talk of Your power; To make known to the sons of men Your mighty acts And the glory of the majesty of Your kingdom. Your kingdom is an everlasting kingdom, And Your dominion endures throughout all generations. The LORD sustains all who fall And raises up all who are bowed down. The eyes of all look to You, And You give them their food in due time. You open Your hand And satisfy the desire of every living thing. The LORD is righteous in all His ways And kind in all His deeds. The LORD is near to all who call upon Him, To all who call upon Him in truth. He will fulfill the desire of those who fear Him; He will also hear their cry and will save them. The LORD keeps all who love Him, But all the wicked He will destroy. My mouth will speak the praise of the LORD, And all flesh will bless His holy name forever and ever.

(Psalms 145:1-21)

There are different kinds of "waiting."

 

The eager, "is it time to depart and start our vacation?"

 

The bored, "when WILL the bell ring?"

 

The scared, "when they find out, they are going to kill me!"

 

The expectant, "in 9 months we'll have a child."

 

The limbo.  That time between an announcement and the "event."  Be it life.  Be it death.  Be it the rapture.  The limbo waiting, is the worse.  You can't move on.  You can make plans...but they are all on "hold" until you can realize the event.

 

We are in limbo right now.  Or, on a death watch if you will.  It is quite morbid...real...awful...comedic...and sad.  The strangest thoughts race through my mind.  What if my mom all of a sudden sits up and wants to know "what is going on?"  "What are you all doing sitting around here looking at me like this?"  "Why is Judy here?" "What is Missy doing here?"  "Why did you make plans for my funeral already?"  Perhaps that is my brain's way of relieving me of some of the stress the situation dictates.

 

The above verses Tom Spirlong read to my mom during his visit.  He began to choke up on the words, "He will hear their cry and save them."  That made me choke up too.

 

I am incredibly sad.  Mostly, however, I am in a state of numb waiting.  I believe in my "Grief, Death & Dying" class with Dr. McAsh, it is called the "death watch."  You enjoy each precious smile, hand squeeze and random words that have no depth or connected thought.  You welcome visitors...say the same things.  Hug. Smile. Cry. Wait some more.  Observe my mom as she "rests."  It really is quite, in a word, awful.

 

My sweet mother.  I pray she is not fully aware of all that is transpiring.  And yet...I wish she could see all the people who have come to show their love and tell their sweet stories and fond memories.

 

All this rushing to the convalescent home.  It gives me a constant headache.  I often think I just want it to be over.  Then, I chide myself for thinking such selfish thoughts.  I understand why I feel this way...and I realize it is quite normal.  But I desire to be more nobel...more "daughterly"...more...something more.

 

I am grieving already.  My father is gutted with grief.  He is the worst at waiting.  He is a doer.  He is an action person.  I hope this waiting doesn't end up crippling him.  I get scared for him.  I get selfish.  And then, something nudges me awake and I become this caregiver for both parents.  I believe that is the Holy Spirit.  In myself, I am incapable of caring and loving them as they merit.

 

I know our time with my mother is short.  God has been preparing me for this for months.  I can see that clearly, now. 

 

Hospice care is a wonderful concept.  It gives people the chance to die with dignity.  Though...it is hardly dignified for the loved ones who remain.  We are the "left behinders."  We are the witnesses to the ebbing away of life.  We are the ones who grieve, bear the tear stained cheeks and snotty red noses.  There is really nothing dignified about falling apart and crying like someone has literally ripped you apart.

 

There is a mercy at work here.  There is a kindess to all of us.  I know I will appreciate all of this at a later time.  But, right now, I hate this whole process.  Our whole world has come to a standstill...yet the world outside still carries on.  Perhaps this is a greater mercy to remind us there is a life to return to after this one has left us.  My dad doesn't see it that way.

 

There is so much to think about and yet, nothing, to think about.  We simply wait.

 

I wonder if Jesus ever dealt with "waiting" issues.  I think not.  He was ever compelled forward to the cross.  He was obedient to the Father's will.  Each step He took...brought Him that much closer to the vile death He was to suffer in my stead.  "For the joy set before Him, He endured the cross..."  Not sure where that verse is right now.

 

So, for the joy my mom will realize just past the threshold of death...we endure this departure.  I wonder if she hears her Savior calling out to her?  I hope she is eager.  I hope she is done with this "stopping over" place.  I hope she knows how much I love her. And will miss her.  Every day.  Until my Savior calls me home.

 

Maybe the waiting isn't so bad.  Each minute I wait, is a minute left with her.

So I will wait.

I love you momma.

And, I already miss you so much.