Depending on how you look at it...

It is either really late or really early in the morning.

On the East Coast, alarms are sounding and people are waking up to the first Monday in February. In Hawaii, it is almost mid-night, so, it is still yesterday for them. Here, in California, it is almost 3 a.m.

And, I'm awake. I didn't even have the strong coffee my dad, Frank and my father-in-law drank at the middle of the 4th quarter of the SuperBowl. What is up with that???

I'm working on my slideshow for the funeral on Friday. I checked the weather and it is supposed to be cloudy and/or sprinkling. That is fitting. All the cool made for TV movies and TV shows almost ALWAYS show graveside funerals taking place in the rain. So, do I like the fact it will be dreary and rainy and cold on Friday? Hm, I think I do. I can't actually tell you why, but it doesn't seem right to bury my mom on a bright-sunny-Southern California day. I'm sure that sounds totally weird (and maybe I've actually lost it today...), but it is how I FEEL.

Wow! Sunday Worship was one for the books. I knew it would be hard to go to church with my dad after my mom's passing. Sheesh! It had been almost a month since I'd been to church. I'd been spending Sundays with my mom in one location or another. The music was beautiful, but when we starting singing, "Be Still, My Soul.." I lost it. And, that made my dad lose it. Then, like a bunny hopping out of a nearby bolt-hole, Sara popped up besides us and was a bit of a diversion from our grief. Just a bit. We still sobbed and it was kinda embarassing. Oh man! And I got so hot...what is up with that? I truly hate crying...it really wears me out. I know it is necessary and a release...but, it really sucks all life out of me.

So, I've been a big cry-baby all Sunday. Okay. Hopefully, that will end soon. Or..at least happen at more convenient times like when I'm NOT DRIVING, etc.

Friday will be hard. I think Sunday was just a preview of what's to come. Note to self: don't bother with makeup on Friday. Seriously.

I wish my mom were here. I went through her Bible and several hundreds of hand-written recipes she has in 3 separate spiral notebooks. It made her so real and near for me. I remember her telling me several years ago that it surprised her how much she actually missed her mother after she died. And, it surprises me how much I already miss her. We were close...but we weren't the call every day chatty-Cathy types.

On the 11th I had written my thoughts about my mom dying. The very next day, I was by her side and trying to sing her some songs (why I think she would like that, I'm not sure...and even more surprising is that I think I can sing..). At one point I cracked on a sustained note and my mom wrinkled her face in critique. It was pretty funny. Then, the most comforting thing happened. She seemed to wake up a bit and was "petting" my hair and rubbing my arm & back. So I laid my head on her stomach and kept singing. My mother was still trying to comfort me. I think God gave that to me to keep & cherish now. Though it does make me well up with tears and get that dry lump in my throat.

The summer after I got my license...my mom was having a bad go of things. She was very frustrated and would blow up at the littlest thing. A couple of times, she'd get so fed up, she would threaten to leave us all and proceed to walk out the front door. She'd take off down the street at a clipped pace. I used to hop in my '71 VW Van and coax my mom into the van. Then I'd take her down to the beach and we'd walk along the seashore while she vented..or was silent...or was crying. Eventually, the soothing repetitive lapping of the ocean on the sand would calm my mom down and she'd be ready to go home and "fix" dinner. Though it started out as something bad...the moment ended in us being together and her feeling better. I think I need to go to the beach and take a walk.

Not right now. Sometime this week will be good.

Now I am tired and ready for sleep. Even the sound of Ranger snuffling as he snores is comforting to me now.

Thank You Lord, for comforting me in the stillness of the late hours.